Please help a friend with cancer have something good..

My friend with cancer is in the running for a 1 million dollar diamond. She needs vote on the OC Tanner Face book page. I'm asking if you have a face book go on the link and Vote for Karen & Danny. Read their story and there should be no doubt why...

Please click this link to OC Tanner and Vote for Karen & Danny

Holiday Decorations

I swore to myself that I would get a decorating piece for Halloween & Christmas every year to build up till I could decorate properly.. Hasn't happened yet. My tree is still the one from my Fiance's sister. Old and still a nice looking hand me down. The ornaments the ones she gave me and a few cheap ones that i bought. I seem to manage a new Christmas stocking every year for the boy, but that's about it. It seems I'm lucky to get my son gifts every year... That and the bills seems more important that my vow to buy a piece a year. But every year I think about it.

This year we're going to make gingerbread cookie and sugar cookie ornaments. I make and color some icing to decorate. Maybe we'll make some popcorn strings with jelly beans, or some other candy in-between. I have  a fondant recipe and a way to make it work like sugar paste. Maybe I'll give that a try and color it with food coloring.... Little flowers that you could eat. That would be fun.

I figure that my son would love to eat straight off the tree. Cheap fun that won't last forever....
A few ideas off the internet...

My Frail Old Angel..

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One night I had a dream

It left a tale to tell

I dreamed I saw an Angel

Poor thing, he wasn't well

His body was bruised and battered

His wings ripped and torn

I saw that he could barely walk

He looked so tired and worn

I walked right up and asked him

"How could this be?"    

 All Photos are Copyright of : Tashee Photography. (Sonya J Steiner) 

UN-AUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION, IN WHOLE OR

IN PART, IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED!

He turned and paused a bit

These words he spoke to me....



"I am your Gaurdian Angel

A great task as you can see

You've run amok all your life

Look what you've done to me

These bruises are from shielding you

In times of dire ill

The drugs you've used so dangerously

I've paid for you that bill

My wings you see are ripped and torn

A noble badge I bare

So many times they've flown for you

From evils un-aware

Each mark has it's own story

Of deadly wounds destroyed

You've made me wish more times than one

That I was un-employed

If only you could make it

Standing on your own

Please don't fret or worry

You are never left alone

I am here to watch over you

Until my powers fail

But always try to remember

I am getting old and frail"



I could barely believe what I've seen

Let alone how much he cared

I wept on his broad shoulders

And left him in dispair

When I looked in the mirror the next morning

I pondered "why shouldI try?"

Then distantly, I thought I heard

A frail old Angel cry

~Author Unknown~

Angel ~ by Enya
Angel ~ by Sarah McLachlan

Invasive Ductal Carcinoma with Cancerization of the Lobules

I have a friend. Who was diagnosed with 'Invasive Ductal Carcinoma with Cancerization of the Lobules'. I've known her since I was 8 years old and one of my oldest friends.

For the past year the doctors have been testing me for cancer ( The word Leukemia came had come up....) and found Hypothyroidism..  I told everyone I take that readily. Now here sit my friend, with what they scared me with for a year. Being tested for it over and over again because I kept getting sick... She has lost her hair. Is going through Kemo..... Just lost her sister to breast cancer and now this.

She keeps cracking jokes. That used to be my self defense mechanism. Now it seems to be hers. I admire what she has that I've lost in myself and she has it through so much pain. And all I can do is post a song on her facebook and hope she see's it for what it's meant.Martina McBride - I'm going to love you through it . She today said she heard it on the radio and it just made her bawl. In a good way apparently, but I still wonder. When I first posted it she never said a word about it, but is suits her life so well right now. It pretty much matches the man she's with too.

And in all this I am striving to understand why I am struggling through life. Paddling harder  to stay a float every day. And just when it seems I learn how to swim, the world adds more weights on so I go beneath the water again and have to struggle and gasp for breath.

My fears became her reality. It's like god saying, "OK. I'm letting you off the hook but, in exchange, I'm going to give it to one of your oldest friends. To let you see what your prayers let you pass onto someone else."

Karen once gave me a rosary because I was dreaming about drowning. Every night constantly. ~ I was struggling just below the surface and watching the bubbles from my lungs rise above me and break the surface that my fingertips could just barely reach, but with all my struggling for the surface I'd never get there and start to sink lower beneath the surface and start to drown.
The dreams stopped with the gift of the rosary. I still have it. And when I start to struggle in life I hang it above my bed. Apparently it's time to do so again.....

 I'm terrified she now struggles with what might have been my fate except that life said "Nope! I'm not done torturing you yet."

 And do I have the courage to call her or hunt her down? NO, I fear she doesn't want my friendship and don't know what to do or say.

I think about it and I cry. The last time we got together I was in pain. So much pain I was desperately reaching out for someone to listen and she did. She never had the full story of. I had stopped eating. Was starting to stop even drinking...... At that point, I didn't know how to stop existing and I wanted to. But she was there and I couldn't even get her to go have coffee or anything  now that it's her.... She doesn't need, or even perhaps want my support. And I miss my her likes the world. The truth is that when I'm in pain, i have a hard time opening u,p and talking I did when I desperately needed to with her. And now I can't seem to do the same for her.

 More weight... and I slowly get dragged just a bit further under the water. Trying to breath, but only taking in water and letting that precious air out... slipping to the surface that I'm trying so desperately reach.

 Do I sink? Or do I swim...?

Even I can't answer that......

It feels like home.....


Then there's the other thought...

'Maybe this is my preview of what's to be? I still have bad days. Even on the thyroid pills.... '

~God is watching us from a distance....

Lay Off Season is Apon US!

Yup. We're at that time of year where my company starts laying off people. Now the Night Q.A. says she heard one of the night leads telling the other leads that MY boss was tired of me and was getting rid of me. But I also heard that they wanted to get rid of the lead that was rumoring about me too, so who knows. But He also pulled someone in and was talking to them about a Q.A. Position and didn't say anything to me about it. I only found out because she was asking me if it would be worth it. She swears she's only making 8.35$ and hour. Plus  the night Q.A. had heard about it too.
What I don't get is how one of the leads who has been there forever still has a job when she missed so many days and last winter she was late 2 days a week for a month. But I never heard once she was getting the hatchet. I got pulled in the office for my attendance when I was seeking medical treatment too. I got a verbal warning. Now I haven't missed a day since they got my on my thyroid pills, but I'm hearing I'm on the hatchet list. ..? I've got the night Q.A. telling me I can't tell anyone. And all I want to do is go up and ask him face to face. So I'm out of a  job perhaps. I guess I'll look anyway. Just like last year.
I found out that the ceiling was falling into our product and no one else even noticed.I'm the one who see all this stuff, catches all this bad shit. Told them that their stupid new product was chalky and nasty, even went up to argue it with the hirer ups only to be told it's going anyway (Which I now hear it's going to bite them in the ass by the way.).
They kept telling us that the one supervisor was just being given enough room to hang himself with and would be gone soon enough.... he got promoted.  You can't tell me that the whole joint is full of shit. I'm so  tired constantly feeling like an outsider because I'm doing what my boss wants me to do and yet I'm constantly made to feel that I'm not worth shit and they act like I'm not doing anything.
I have to pull samples and send them out to the lab this years too and do part of my bosses paperwork, so of course I'm not going to be able to get around as much.
I was skipping my breaks and killing myself and I've stopped doing that. Cause I'd go to break and I get my butt chewed for going to break. I don't like my break at the same time as the line because they expect me to sit and police them on my break. So of course I don't want to break with them. They expect me to work on my break and nobody else has to. I wish they'd lay me off and the same time I'm terrified they will cause we need the money and I need a raise...
Everyone is out for them selves, but I'm not allowed to be....

Bills, sucky winter hours and how I'm the on who always misses out on my birthday.. Fucking BITES!

I was $500 ahead last month. I held onto it not knowing why.... I found that with my father here and his oxygen maker my power bill it still at 95$, my water bill was almost $70, and instead of only going through 3-4 gallons of milk we're going through 8-12 gallons... instead of 2 dozen eggs a month we just went through 4 in one week. My grocery bill had tripled somehow with one more person and I have no idea what we're going to do with my job going into winter hours..I'll be lucky to see 40 hours a week right now... My other half still doesn't have a job, and if he doesn't get a part time job on the weekends, we could be totally screwed.. I guess our son should be happy to get the t gift I already got him, and we adults won't be getting shit... and once again, there will be no money to get me anything for my birthday again this year and I'm the only one who went with out last year and it's looking to be that way again this year. I got my other half that awesome radio for his truck.. and I'll be shit out of luck for my birthday like usual.At least my son will have something.

Little by little

Little by little. My friend K had Chemo yesterday, and I went and visited V yesterday morning. I just lied to the dentist and said it was this morning. It's snowed last night and everybody's health is making me exhausted. Then we got to have over a nephew who's mentally challenged and they decided to take him off his meds at some point and I didn't know. The mood swings are fantastic!
Have you ever watched 'Letter to God'? Wrong choice of movies last night. I cried at the end.
Oh yeah, it's still snowing... Winters never been the same with Hypothyroidism. You  get cold fast and a chill you can't get rid of easily.
I still need to go grocery shopping for Thanks Giving... And being in the stores this time of year is terrible.

Plus i need to do the bills first.. this is going to suck...

In need of healing..

I have a friend going through breast cancer right now. My father's still healing from his health issues. Now My good friends mother (who was like a mom to me) is in the hospital. As always, I have another friend who's husband is in poor health, not to mention her own... Been thinking about everyone a lot lately. We're getting older. You sit and wonder how you will be able to survive life yourself if they're  missing from it....?

So to all of them...
That's what I'm here for

What the Hell?

Did my job and more than normal today, Even got the GMP's done. And along comes my boss giving me shit cause he supposedly searched the whole plant for me... I shook my head at him. He said it was about ten to three.. I went on break I told him. He then asked what happened to going with everyone else? I said the first wave went and then I went thinking the rest were going and they didn't, and I had to write someone up for having a tongue ring in. He demanded to know who had one in. I said I have on way of knowing when they're actually going to go to break or not. I have no idea what his problem was, but I didn't deserve to be the target on this. All because he wanted to show me a trailer that wasn't even getting unloaded tonight anyway.... It's that time of year where people are always pointing the finger at anyone else cause it's lay off time and they want to get everyone else in as much trouble as they can to protect their jobs....etc etc.. It's not my fault they have me writing down every little indiscretion everyone does... If I don't write anything down, they'll know I'm full of shit! I know they're trying to get me in trouble. They always are. I know one it the shift co-ordinater and the other if that fucking lead.... They'll do anything to tarnish someone else and make themselves look better.