Invasive Ductal Carcinoma with Cancerization of the Lobules

I have a friend. Who was diagnosed with 'Invasive Ductal Carcinoma with Cancerization of the Lobules'. I've known her since I was 8 years old and one of my oldest friends.

For the past year the doctors have been testing me for cancer ( The word Leukemia came had come up....) and found Hypothyroidism..  I told everyone I take that readily. Now here sit my friend, with what they scared me with for a year. Being tested for it over and over again because I kept getting sick... She has lost her hair. Is going through Kemo..... Just lost her sister to breast cancer and now this.

She keeps cracking jokes. That used to be my self defense mechanism. Now it seems to be hers. I admire what she has that I've lost in myself and she has it through so much pain. And all I can do is post a song on her facebook and hope she see's it for what it's meant.Martina McBride - I'm going to love you through it . She today said she heard it on the radio and it just made her bawl. In a good way apparently, but I still wonder. When I first posted it she never said a word about it, but is suits her life so well right now. It pretty much matches the man she's with too.

And in all this I am striving to understand why I am struggling through life. Paddling harder  to stay a float every day. And just when it seems I learn how to swim, the world adds more weights on so I go beneath the water again and have to struggle and gasp for breath.

My fears became her reality. It's like god saying, "OK. I'm letting you off the hook but, in exchange, I'm going to give it to one of your oldest friends. To let you see what your prayers let you pass onto someone else."

Karen once gave me a rosary because I was dreaming about drowning. Every night constantly. ~ I was struggling just below the surface and watching the bubbles from my lungs rise above me and break the surface that my fingertips could just barely reach, but with all my struggling for the surface I'd never get there and start to sink lower beneath the surface and start to drown.
The dreams stopped with the gift of the rosary. I still have it. And when I start to struggle in life I hang it above my bed. Apparently it's time to do so again.....

 I'm terrified she now struggles with what might have been my fate except that life said "Nope! I'm not done torturing you yet."

 And do I have the courage to call her or hunt her down? NO, I fear she doesn't want my friendship and don't know what to do or say.

I think about it and I cry. The last time we got together I was in pain. So much pain I was desperately reaching out for someone to listen and she did. She never had the full story of. I had stopped eating. Was starting to stop even drinking...... At that point, I didn't know how to stop existing and I wanted to. But she was there and I couldn't even get her to go have coffee or anything  now that it's her.... She doesn't need, or even perhaps want my support. And I miss my her likes the world. The truth is that when I'm in pain, i have a hard time opening u,p and talking I did when I desperately needed to with her. And now I can't seem to do the same for her.

 More weight... and I slowly get dragged just a bit further under the water. Trying to breath, but only taking in water and letting that precious air out... slipping to the surface that I'm trying so desperately reach.

 Do I sink? Or do I swim...?

Even I can't answer that......

It feels like home.....


Then there's the other thought...

'Maybe this is my preview of what's to be? I still have bad days. Even on the thyroid pills.... '

~God is watching us from a distance....